Culmination: Henry Rollins

I told him about our emails and he remembered.

He had talked about trying to gauge the body fat percentage of someone who took a picture with him once, so I told him not to try and guess mine, and then he pulled me for a sweet nice close embrace.

Oh Henry.



Then we talked about our mutual disdain for LA and love for real cities like Detroit.

In my head it was all like



footnote: I know the pictures from Alex's cellphone are crappy, but I wasn't actually planning on taking any pictures.

R.I.P.

"Here lies Paul Newman, who died a failure because his eyes turned brown"


Goodbye Paul.

a little bit.

I haven't written much lately. I've just been so damned busy. There's work and home and family and friends and that basically consumes my life right now. That and doctor visits. I have a lot of those. Medical stuff is really annoying me right now.

I've still got this nerve issue with my leg. We're trying to find a doctor that will do an injected nerve block in it. Because right now sucks. Right now I'm all narcotic'd up because I can't tolerate any of the nerve medications. So I'm basically a walking zombie.

This week has been good though. I've gotten to see my friends a lot. And it's been pretty calm. I did lose consciousness on Friday night, but that just happens to me sometimes.

Tomorrow I'm going with some friends to eat Sushi for lunch. I'm excited and wanna eat some raw fish!

Next week my brother and his little one will be here. I miss them. I can't wait to see those two. I really wish his girlfriend could come, but she can't get the time off work. That sucks.

My dogs love me. Completely and unconditionally and snuggly.

I like Austin. I like many things and people. I have been depressed lately and I'm just trying to work through that. But I know it's temporary.

TWM - part a billion

I am going to California in September. I've gotta tie up some business and get some medical things taken care of. Also, I plan on sushi and bubble tea, and also grabbing some stuff from trader joes.

I like work. At least I like being there and I really like the knit group of people I've latched myself onto. I know maybe it comes off as a little creepy. But I don't know anyone in Austin, and when I find a personality that meshes well with time (which can be difficult) then I try and develop it. Or something, again twm.

I have not been eating nearly enough lately. It's not that it hurts, I just have absolutely no hunger at all. I think I've only gotten about 600 calories a day for the past few days.

Olive gave be a fat lip this morning by trying to be snuggly. Her new name is lead head...or face mace. We haven't decided yet.

I hope to sleep longer tonight, because I don't actually work until 11:30 AM, but I'm still waking up crazy early.

I'm finally at the point when I look in the mirror, I think I look skninnier than before. It's only taken this long.

I'm seeing Batman in IMAX this weekend..or that's the plan. I am excited, as I've never been to an IMAX movie, and this seems like it'd be a good one.

I have realized that I come in contact with a lot of people that are prejudiced or don't like fat girls. What can I say, fat chix need love too. Kanye will tell you.

I hate trying to define myself in any way. I don't what or who I am in communication, but subconsciously I think I'm pretty aware of what type of person I am and what makes me up. Besides all the physical material.

The animals get pissed off and weird in the other room when Alex and I have marital relations.

I know you've been dying for tidbits

Some random things about me that only a few people might know

-I spend 15-20 minutes every day when I get home cuddling with my animals. We either all get on the king-sized bed and i snuggle and nuzzle, or we do it on the couch. Every single day, even if they've torn shit up while I'm gone (yeah...thanks Olive, I didn't need those receipts or anything)

-I drank water from our work water machine, but other than that, I have not had tap water since I've been in Texas (I think there were two times i had a sip to take some medicine).

-I go to starbucks every single day and get the exact same drink. A Quad iced venti 4 pump nonfat white mocha, no whip. It has almost 20 grams of protein in it. I don't think I'd be able to function without it.

-I am medicated virtually 24 hours a day, by some type of tablet or capsule or pill or medicine. I don't even remember what it's like to havea clear body.

-I always look at people's license plates. Whenever I see a car, I instantly look at the license plate. I've been doing this since I can remember.

-I'm not a neat freak, but I get really hopped up and anxious when certain things are off. If the coffee table isn't exactly centered or at any type of slant, it will be the only thing I focus on and I can't stop thinking about or fixing it. I'm not above pulling out a level to make sure something is even.

-I look at people's crotches and butts a lot. It's absolutely not sexual and it's definitely not conscious at all, but I know that I do it, and I have absolutely no idea why. This goes along with my staring. I stare at people and don't even realize it.

-I think I'm way more attractive than I am probably perceived by the outside world. I'm not saying I'm ugly or anything, I'm just fat, which is a big turn off for a lot of people, but I leave the house most days thinking that I look fabulous despite the things about me that bother me. I think I have a really beautiful head.

-I want to go to India so bad and get some Bhang someday.

-I have never ever ever ridden a roller coaster.

-I basically stopped a carjacking the other day by impersonating a police officer.

-I have business to attend to in san francisco, but the thing that's exciting me absolutely the most is going to J&S and Ranch 99 and Trader Joes to get all of my supplies that I can't find here. I want my honey milk tea bubble tea so bad it hurts.

-I rarely shave as I have very thin hair everywhere except on my face (thanks Mediterranean dad). I seriously haven't shaved my legs in like 3 weeks.

-I make snap judgements about people, in about the first minute, I know whether I'm going to like or hate them. I've tested this out a few times, and It always turns out to be true. Again, it's something I've always done and will always continue to do.

-I am at the point in my life where I am not going to apologize for the type of person I am, or what makes me happy or what I don't like. Honesty is key.

-I am still really bothered that the mint and honey green tea has NO honey. I keep saying I'm going to write, but I keep forgetting about it. Despite this, I buy it almost every day because I think it tastes good.

-whatever, man...what are ya gonna do?

1 day a week

1 day a week we send the dog to doggy daycare. Of course today is the day that I get stuck at work for 35 minutes past my shift on a particularly exhausting call. I did make it there, but just barely, and not without speeding the shit out of my car. I think I've pushed it to its limits and now it needs to rest.

My pain has been getting worse despite the fact that I am constantly medicated. I expect this as I'm withdrawing off of a nerve pain medication, but sometimes it's all I focus on.

I like my job in that there are a lot of really cool people. And I generally am pretty misanthropic and pass judgement easily, but really, they've won me over. I can only think of one person that I don't like, and it's only because she totally yelled at my friend.

I bought Henry Rollins tickets for October. It's been way way way far too long since I've seen him. It had to be like two years ago in SF. I miss him. I'm sure he misses me too...or at least he does if he knows what's good for him, and that pretty neck of his. (seriously, this is all just rhetoric, and if something really does happen to his neck, please don't look at me funny...I could never hurt the ones I love).

I don't like feeling so tired. I don't get a damn thing done anymore, and I'm hiring a cleaning lady to come weekly just as soon as I can get up the energy to actually find one. We still have to have our door replaced too. Being a grownup fucking sucks sometimes. Not that being a kid was awesome for me, but just mo money, mo problems...Kerouac said that, right?

People in general need to be more open and direct with their feelings/thoughts/dislikes/likes. I'm at the point in my life where I'm no longer going to try and decode and prod and figure it out. This goes into effect on the first of the month. You can give me all the weird mixed signals you want till then.

My withdrawals are making my left hand twitch...only the left, only at certain times of the day. I look like MJ Fox.

I'm probably going to eat a half cup of leftover bun, zone out on the couch, and drink gatorade for the rest of the night.

There are a lot of things.

There are a lot of things I want to do, but I don't. Whether I make excuses for myself or have legitimate reasons. I'm going to correct this behavior and do the things I want (unless they encroach upon someone else's rights or whatever, but believe me, sometimes I want to do that as well).

I'm obsessed with money lately. I don't like being obsessed with money. I don't like feeling like we're not ok, even though I know that we are. I kinda wish I could go back to when I was a kid, and there wasn't any money, so there wasn't a whole lot you could do about it. Mo' Money, Mo' Problems.

Work is going well. I'm learning a lot. It's just a very large drain on my body, but I think as soon as we get through this part and the training, it'll all be better. I'm finding that a lot of my life is an adjustment right now.

My memory SUCKS now. It is very frustrating. I forget things and have flashes of memories all the time. I will stand up and forget why I did. I'll forget the story or sentence I'm saying in the middle of it. I don't think this would bother me so much, except that I had an amazing memory. I remembered everything. I know it's the nerve meds, apparently they are notorious for memory loss and slowing of thought processes (haha, was this really the best time to learn technical stuff about computers?) I guess it's pretty common though to be moody, have memory loss, and the twitching and shakiness I do now. I have trouble accessing certain parts of words or certain words when looking at an object. It's gotta be some sort of weird disconnect in my corpus callosum. OH GNOMES! I'VE GOT SPLIT-BRAIN!! I think I would like to get off this medication more than any of the others.


I ended up having to go to Urgent Care today because the jaw issue I've been having is so bad. I was also doing some research and saw that it's probably a side effect of same said nerve meds. They can apparently cause your gums to go nuts and your face and lymph nodes to swell. I had no idea and have been dealing with it now for like two months. Which isn't really good at all. So I'm going off the nerve meds as of today and we'll see how I handle it tomorrow. I swear any side effect that one can get, I've gotten with this crap. Stupid body for jerks.

Sam came to visit this weekend along with some of her friends. We went to a huge waterpark one day, and were supposed to go the second day but Sam and I were pretty beaten up, so we'll go back for the second day again later. I like having people around sometimes, but I really wasn't in the best mood this weekend, nothing to do with anyone else though.

We did come home on Friday to a lovely crime scene in my bedroom. We apparently left the door to the bedroom open and I'm guessing the cat started it, but they had killed and disassembled some type of bird. The only thing we found was a bloody bird leg, and some feathers, and the next day Olive pooped a feather.

Work tomorrow, not looking forward to it. I just have to work on being as calm as I can and handling my pain the best I can. That's all a person can do, right?

This is quite sad.

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Dog Post: June 08

I love my puppies.

Betsy is always so playful but also the cuddliest dog I've ever seen. She gets generally worried and is very sensitive to when I'm not feeling well. I know it might be silly, but I love the absolute unconditional love that I get from my pets (except Rocky, his love always has conditions..heh).

Olive is really a part of our family now. She's forming more of her personality every day. She's got the cutest and most lovable eyes in the entire world. She's so silly sometimes in her actions or movements that I just crack up. She's a big heavy dense thing, so I often get trampled in the morning when they come to say Hi.

Olive



Olive and Betsy

June the 18th

Yesterday was my third anniversary. It was very nice and very laid back. Alex brought me roses (which smell delicious) and a very cute card that has lady and the tramp on it. He said he can't resist cards that have dogs and food.

I made veal chops and corn on the cob, I'm not even kidding when I say that it is seriously one of the best meals I've ever cooked. I am a little bit of a foodie and a quite damn good cook, if I might say so, but this was definitely up there.

We watched some tv and did some snuggling. All my favorite stuff to do.


This past weekend I was in Dallas/Ft. Worth visiting Sam. I had a really good time, except for a few moments dealing with my family. We ate fondue, which was delicious (And I've never been to an actual fondue restaurant). We went to an amazing place. We went to the Paul Mitchell school where Sam got a sexy sexy haircut. I got a facial which was very relaxing and very nice. A very sweet Russian lady did it for me. She was even very careful with my icky swollen hurty jaw.

Then we went that night to Fort Worth, which was crazy jumping...we ate good bbq and walked around. Then we saw some hoes dancing at a bar. Then we went to the hotel and slept.

Sam almost kicked some big dude's ass...he deserved it though, him and his stupid monster truck. I was also ready to find the tire iron and take it to his face if I needed to. I think this upped my testosterone or something, because I almost got in a fight with a biker on my way home. Sometimes I really have no fear, and that's not always good.

I got the job at Apple...I'm very apprehensive about it. Just because it's full-time. My health isn't great right now, and lately I've had about 2 doctors appointments a week. I have no idea how I'm going to schedule everything. I also don't know if my body is going to be able to handle it at this time. I am going to psyche myself up as much as possible and give it a go, this could be a great opportunity for me. It just means putting things off again though, like school, health, house, family, etc.